Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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