im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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