Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
