I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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