The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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