Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
