I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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