I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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