If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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