I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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