Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
