Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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