if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
