haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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