Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
