wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
