Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
