it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
