dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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