The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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