If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
