He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Drake has all the answers
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
