Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
They have beer where we have blood.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
