It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
