he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
