What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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