I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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