i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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