You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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