then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
