Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
