Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
