Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
