YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
