I showed him my bush... on skype.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
