i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The air was thick with penises
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
