My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
