i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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