I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I want a musical about memes.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
