I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
