Dude my mom stole all your condoms
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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