took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
