dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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