Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
