How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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