There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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