I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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