The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
