I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
