My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
