At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
